“Willfulness must give way to willingness and surrender. Mastery must yield to mystery.”
– Gerald May
Willfulness. It is a state I am currently trying to escape as I type this blog post. I think of willfulness as the opposite of radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance involves embracing every aspect of our current experience – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Once you radically accept a situation, you are free to pursue any course of action. You might try:
- Being content – There are so many times where our frustrations and struggles are unnecessary or ineffective. They are complications we are adding on to our experience. If we can learn to accept ourselves fully, we can cease the struggle and find peace.
- Wise action – When I accept all possible outcomes, that frees me to fully commit to a particular path without fear of disappointment or failure. Since I’ve already accepted these possibilities, if they happen, I can surf through them with grace.
- Skillful change – Radical acceptance does not mean we can’t change; it means we don’t have to do so. If we decide to make a change in our life, we do it with wholesome motives and realistic expectations.
Willfulness is a state of non-acceptance. When I’m in this state, I am unable to do any of the above actions. These actions can ONLY be implemented after acceptance has taken place.
I might appear to be engaged in one of the above strategies, but it is just an act. It is not real. I am living in a delusion.
- Laziness – I might appear to be content and even convince myself that this is what I’m doing. But if I look deeper, I know I am just avoiding. Avoiding what exactly? This is one of the big problems of willfulness. It doesn’t mean avoidance of any particular thing necessarily; it simply means being aversive in general.
- Impulsive action – Sometimes when I am willful I can become very productive. However, there are 2 problems. First, I don’t enjoy my productivity. Second, it won’t last; I will burn out. This is partly due to not enjoying my work and partly due to it being impulsive urge-dominated actions.
- Unskillful rebellion – Willfulness can motivate someone to make extreme changes. Regrettably, the purpose in doing this is not to find greater ease of well-being for ourselves and those around us; it is to live out some addiction or to prove ourselves right. It completely lacks humility and patience.
I have been struggling with willfulness quite a lot lately. Either that, or maybe I am just finally observing myself enough to know when I am being willful. Regardless, it has been the source of a lot of confused suffering on my part.
Here is the latest contingency plan I have developed for dealing with willfulness. I use the acronym ORTHI:
- Observe the willfulness. Label it. Experience it.
- Radically accept that at this moment you feel (and may be acting) willful. You cannot fight willfulness with willfulness.
- Turn your mind toward acceptance and willingness. Remind yourself of the benefits of willingness. Tell yourself you would like to be more accepting.
- Half-smiling and willing posture. Use these physiological adaptions to help tweak your mental chemistry.
- If immovable, ask, “What’s the threat?” Why are you resistant to accepting reality as it is? Do you feel that if you did, you would be trapped? Check the facts and challenge assumptions that don’t fit them.
“No amount of human willfulness can overcome God’s determined love.”
– Max Anders
Sometimes if I have completely hit a wall, the only thing I can do is call a family member or friend and tell them what’s up. If they are willing 😉 , I engage them in my decision-making. I am obviously not in a great place to be skillfully using my time and energy, so I outsource the problem.
I choose to believe in the Ocean of Living Love, a phrase I picked up from Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes Jr. However strong my willfulness might be, the ocean is stronger. If I can just find a way to connect with it, I can find freedom.
“Conceit and arrogance are acquired states of mind. Conquer acquired states of mind, and basic sanity can unfold. Passion and willfulness are part of false consciousness; erase false consciousness, and true consciousness will appear.”
– Zicheng Hong
May you find peace and purpose in your journey towards true consciousness.
Namaste.