Hands-down, one of the best books I have read in the past decade is Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristin Neff. The challenge this month is based on one of the exercises outlined in the book, and does a good job of blending all three elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, self-kindness, and a recognition of our common humanity. The exercise involves 3 aspects related to my critical self-talk:

• Noticing
  1. Verbalize my inner speech verbatim – I want to become more aware of my critical self-talk by simply externalizing it in a neutral way. For example, I might say, “I hear this sentence in my head,” or “This thought is arising within me.”
  2. Recall key phrases – More than likely there will be certain refrains that repeat on a somewhat regular basis and I want to become aware of exactly what these are. Maybe I’ll even write them down so I really see them.
  3. Pay attention to the tone of voice – I need to get to know my inner critic very well, and this means being aware of its quality as well as it substance. Perhaps it reminds me of someone who has been critical of me or just of a former version of myself.
• Softening
  1. Send compassion, not judgment – After I have fully processed what my inner speech is, the first priority is not to condemn myself for having these thoughts, but simply to tell myself, “Having those thoughts must be tough; hang in there!”
  2. Talk to my inner critic – I want to acknowledge the likely valid reasons this voice has for what it says (protection, improvement), but inform it that unfortunately, it often has the opposite effect of its intention.
  3. Ask him to ease off – I don’t want to do the same thing to him that he has been doing to me. After stating my concerns, I will politely request that it stop or at least lower its volume so I can process things effectively.
• Reframing
  1. Imagine what a very compassionate friend would say – The ultimate objective for my self-talk is to transform it into something positive and helpful. I can do this by thinking what someone else might say to help me or I might say to help them.
  2. Use a term of endearment – I want to play around with different terms I can use when talking to myself in this way, such as “Babe” or “Bro.” This also can be very helpful when compassionately criticizing.
  3. Utilize physical gestures of warmth – This helps to tap into my inbuilt caregiving system, so I can harness my biochemistry for assistance. Possible actions include stroking my arm, holding my face tenderly, and hugging myself.

This month’s challenge will have 3 components:

1. At least 2x/day notice, soften, and reframe – Follow the above procedure, though I don’t have to always do each of the steps. But align with the general format.
2. Cognitive journaling 1x/day – I will incorporate this into my new day protocol at the end of each day. Basically, I want to record some of the mental processes I went through during the course of the day, including the initial critical self-talk and my eventual reframe.
3. Type and print up 1 phrase every day – I want to find one word or phrase each day that really speaks to me or reminds me to become more aware of my inner speech. I have found in the past that posting inspiring phrases in my environment is incredibly impactful.

Being a supportive mentor instead of a demanding taskmaster is still a very novel concept for me. I expect that there will be times when I balk at this process, think it makes me weak, or have trouble justifying the effort. However, based on all the therapy and mindfulness practices I have undergone in the past 5 years, I truly believe this will ultimately be a wise practice, even if it feels pedantic at times during this trial period. The goal is to get to the point where this becomes my default programming.

Namaste.