Author Archives: Dan

Christian Buddhism

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I haven’t written on this blog in years… literally. However, it is high time for me to get back to it. Today, I would like to announce my recent self-induction into Christian Buddhism and before you start googling to find out what the heck this is, it isn’t anything officially. This is my own creation, though it is rooted in the core principles of Buddhism with multiple distinctly Christian themes thrown in.

Before I start laying out what my newfound philosophy/religion entails, I would like to give some backstory. I was a Christian, albeit of several different varieties, from the age of six until the age of 25. My evolution from Christian to atheist took place slowly over the course of about 2 years. At some point, I would like to give a detailed history of this, but for now it will suffice to say that I gradually found my Christian beliefs to be more limiting than empowering overall.

After formally leaving Christianity, I bounced around between Christian atheism, secular humanism, apatheism, and pandeism. You can look all these terms up if you would like, but even though they mean different things, they had very little influence on my day-to-day lifestyle or beliefs, so I am not going to spend time discussing them.

I have struggled with mild to moderate depression every since I can remember. My depression became worse since I started to experience chronic pain and gave up what used to be the love of my life – music. However, I did a fair job of coping until I entered dedicated study time for STEP 1 of the USMLE. For those unfamiliar with it, this is the first big (8-hr) exam in medical school testing knowledge learned over the first 2 years.

Ever since I started having carpal tunnel syndrome followed by chronic back pain, I began to spend more and more time watching TV and movies, something I had done very little of prior to this time. Eventually, it became one of the only things I could really enjoy doing without pain. Previously, I had a whole host of outlets that I used to have fun and de-stress. These included reading, running, socializing, playing games, and practicing my instruments.

After restarting college with a goal of applying for medical school, reading became associated with studying (something that had not really happened during my music degree years) and my residual carpal tunnel symptoms after surgery precluded me from enjoying holding a book more than 15 minutes anyway. Running I gave up after my rehab and pain specialist told me that due to how tight my muscles were (despite excessive stretching), I was probably further worsening my back condition.

I stopped going to socializing events because of my fear that my back pain would spike and I would end up being miserable the whole time or having to leave prematurely. Really the only times I thoroughly enjoyed socializing were when I could do it while walking or hiking, which didn’t happen very often. Playing games also became something I just didn’t really enjoy, unless they were outdoor activity games.

I experienced a love/hate relationship with my instruments (especially violin) ever since my carpal tunnel and back symptoms started appearing in my early 20s. After I finished my degree in music performance, I basically stopped playing altogether, with the exception of a few small gigs and leading music at a small church. Once I started medical school, these residual musical activities ceased as well.

Basically, all the things in my life that I had previously used to bring me pleasure, unwind, and cope with the stresses of life had been ripped away from me. What filled the gap? More TV and movies. Instead of socializing, reading, playing games, running, and practicing my instruments, my default for everything from pain to stress to depression was to binge watch a good TV show. It became a full-blown addiction though I didn’t realize it as such until my dedicated study time for STEP 1.

During this time I had what in medicine we call a major depressive episode. Though I had been chronically mildly-moderately depressed for years, I had never before had an episode like this. Basically, for about 1 month, I had a severely depressed mood, lack of interest in anything other than binge-watching TV shows, erratic sleep, guilt for not being more productive, lack of energy or motivation to get out of the house, lack of concentration to study, lack of appetite, a general feeling of sluggishness, and the desire to not be alive.

Needless to say, I did extremely poorly on my STEP 1 exam. During this time and immediately afterwards, I realized I needed a major change in my life. This is when I discovered the basics of Buddhism. Eventually, by incorporating some of the most empowering aspects of my former Christian faith and some of my own life lessons, I developed what I now call Christian Buddhism. So, what is this?

The basics of Buddhism are well-expressed in this article: https://www.unhcr.org/50be10cb9.pdf. So please reference this if you are unfamiliar with this philosophy. I affirm 95% of what is in this article and don’t need to rehash what has already been expressed so well other places. However, although these principles gave me what I found to be a solid logical bedrock to build upon, they did not specifically address my current guilt and depression, which was and is my biggest challenge.

There are a lot of Christian beliefs and traditions that I find to be more limiting than empowering. However, the most pivotal concept of Christianity is one I find deeply empowering and is one of the reasons it took me so long to leave the religion. This is the concept of a fresh start, encapsulated by II Corinthians 5:17 (KJV), “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

My application of this concept is to view my existence before my self-induction into Christian Buddhism as a previous life and to consistently reference it as such. This allows me the freedom to learn from my previous life’s lack of consciousness without viewing it as part of my identity, which dissipates much of the guilt, bitterness, and self-loathing I used to harbor. Specifically, I can distance myself from my previous life’s poor posture and focus on music performance over health and this contribution on my current state of chronic pain. I can distance myself from my previous life’s incredible amount of wasted time and effort doing religious disciplines like praying, memorizing Scripture, and evangelizing. Most recently, I can distance myself from my previous life’s academic failures.

None of these events in my previous life are part of my identity. I view them strictly from a third-person perspective. These things do not define me in the slightest because I am a new creation. My current life started at my self-induction into Christian Buddhism. This for me is probably the most empowering belief I hold.

The second major Christian influence that I incorporated into my philosophy is penance. However, penance for me is not about paying for my sins, but about operant conditioning. If you are not familiar with this concept in psychology, please reference this article: https://www.verywellmind.com/operant-conditioning-a2-2794863. Basically, I have set up predetermined actions and fines with accountability partners that I impose on myself if I fail to maintain a lifestyle of consciousness.

Based extremely loosely on the 10 commandments in the Old Testament, here are the 10 commandments of Dansciousness (Dan-consciousness):

1. Never undercut accountability partners (one executive, one judicial).

2. Only hold self-legislative session on philosophical appointed times (PATs).

3. Commit thoroughly to your philosophy.

4. Safeguard the sanctity of the Sabbath.

5. Prioritize family relationships.

6. Have confidence in your weekly plan.

7. Always make time to respect yourself.

8. Be active during scientific appointed times (SATs).

9. Reject absolutes.

10. Don’t let anyone other than yourself determine your identity.

At some point in the near future, I would like to delve into each of these commandments and explain how I specifically apply them, but this blog post is already too long, so I will let them stand on their own for now. I would also like to address my recently discovered 6 core values fulfilled by 5 core identities and my 2 life lessons, but this too can wait for a later time.

The only other aspect of my philosophy of Christian Buddhism that needs to be addressed now is my 4 starting commitments. I felt that to make my philosophy mare tangible, it made sense to make some commitments concurrent with my self-induction. These are briefly detailed below:

1. Only watch media for the purposes of entertainment (TV, porn, news, youtube) on PATs and then not for more than 1 hour at a time (no binge-watching). This is a very important commitment considering my history of addiction in this activity. I don’t feel it wise to completely eliminate this activity at this point, so relegating it to particular times and amounts makes sense.

2. Never, under ANY circumstance, drive more than 4 mph over the speed limit, and ALWAYS prioritize safety over efficiency while driving. It just is not worth the risk! I almost always drive above the speed limit because the longer I sit in the car the more my back hurts. I also try to learn Spanish while driving or otherwise be productive. However, if I ever feel like I am less than alert while driving I will do what is necessary to correct it immediately, whether this involves driving in silence, slowing down, or pulling over to rest.

3. Meditate for 10 minutes every day. Preferably, this will happen outside, barefoot, on grass, when the sun is out. However, this is not always possible, so my commitment is to always get in 10 minutes of meditation, even if there is no grounding or sun involved.

4. Maintain at least a 90% clean pescatarian diet. Clean means specifically no trans-fats, high fructose corn syrup, or processed sugar. Generally, it means as few artificial ingredients as possible. Pescatarian means the only meat I eat is fish. I think it unwise in most cases to follow any diet 100% unless there is a specific medical reason for it.

So, in a nutshell this is Christian Buddhism. The 3 universal truths, 4 noble truths, and eightfold path combined with the Christian concepts of new creation and penance + the 10 commandments of consciousness and starting commitments which are unique to each person.

A Month of Ambient Music

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Ever since I read a biography of Mary, Queen of Scots listening to a CD of Bach music selections, I have decided to not do the ambient music thing. For years afterward, I could not listen to any of those Bach pieces without thinking of 16th century England.

So why the change? Well, mainly because it is always cool to try new things. Secondly, today is (or was depending on when I finish this post) the first day of a new month, so I need to come up with a monthly challenge. Granted, this will be more of an experiment than a challenge, but hey, experiments are good too. Lastly, I want to see if it puts me more at ease and less conscious of back pain.

Recently, it has seemed that I have an elevated level of constant discomfort. Fortunately, this has not been progressing to the point of outright “pain” that often. However, I almost never feel just ‘comfortable’. I feel I manage well enough and will be having a follow-up visit with my specialist tomorrow to discuss the medication I’m on and probably change it.

So, for any and all of the above reasons (newness, experimentation, comfort), I will be on a diet of ambient music – which mainly applies while I am studying. After final exams, I guess it will apply to exercising or working on my websites over the holidays.

As usual, some simple guidelines:

  • Only Classical or pre-classical music selections (meaning no Beethoven and nothing written after him). I enjoy listening to all types of music, whether the gamut of later classical genres, cinematic scores, sound tracks, pop-songs, bluegrass, jazz, etc. However, if the music is to be ambient it cannot be any of the above, because I would getting nothing done other than have an enjoyable time listening to the music.
  • 10am to 10pm. Any time I am in my room during these hours. Currently, I don’t get up earlier than 10am except on Friday when I have to get up before 6:30. This is thanks to the awesome streaming capability that the school website provides to access all the lectures. This will change next semester with more problem-based-learning sessions and shadowing/clinical experiences.

As always, ‘totally free blocks of time’ and ‘philosophically appointed times’ are exceptions. If you don’t know what those phrases mean, then read this and this. Keep in mind as you read these earlier posts, that I no longer hold to some of the statements in them. Like (I hope) everyone else, my thoughts and positions are constantly evolving in little or huge ways.

Anyway, I am looking forward to see how this month works out. Like all good experiments, what the end results will be is definitely a mystery to me at this point.

Apatheism

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It has been ages since I last posted anything on here. I’d like to start up again now that I’ve settled in to medical school. Something I have wanted to post about for a long time but was never sure how is the subject of spirituality. Obviously this is a word than might have as many different meanings as there are people.

I feel a useful definition is “a belief in something supernatural that forms the core of a person’s psychology.” I realize this definition might raise more problems than it solves by introducing the word ‘supernatural.’ However, I don’t think writing a treatise on what is supernatural is necessary in understanding my definition of spirituality.

Whether your understanding of supernatural is cosmic energy, a Creator, nirvana, or any number of other concepts, the root of spirituality remains the same. It is a belief in this idea, God, or meta-narrative that a person uses to fundamentally define who they are.

I also believe spirituality can be charted on a spectrum, with pure spirituality on one side and pure religion on the other. Pure spirituality is a belief in something supernatural that while forming the basis of a person’s psychology has no direct influence on their interactions with other people. That is, this person could potentially have the same lifestyle and actions as someone that did not hold this belief at all.

I feel that pure spirituality is fairly rare; usually it is mixed with some degree of religion. Religion is the actions a person takes as a result of their belief in something supernatural.

Pure religion then would be a set of actions inherited from a religious system or spiritual understanding that a person practices without any regard for the original belief that generated these actions. That is, a person who practices pure religion could have a totally separate psychology and belief system which has nothing to do with their actions. They inherited a list of rules and practices that they follow rigidly without any supernatural belief for doing so.

Now the reason I am defining these terms and introducing these concepts is to be able to elucidate my journey out of spirituality. Don’t get me wrong. It is not that I journeyed to a different point in the specturm; rather, I left it altogether.

I have the deepest respect for the psychologies that people use to define themselves. One of the unique aspects of the human species is the psychological need for ‘meaning,’ as vague or arbitrary as this may be. I am no different from any one else I know in this regard.

However, what I have discovered through my own experiences and reflections, is that I find meaning and base my psychology on certain principles and beliefs that are not supernatural in origin. One does not leave or enter spirituality lightly; and my journey out of it is a very long story.

What I want to accomplish in this post, however, is not to explain what I have left but what I have entered. I titled this post ‘apatheism’ because if asked about what my position on God, spirituality, or the supernatural is, I would say I am an apatheist. I like this somewhat colloquial defintion I found for apatheism:

At some point something happened and somehow something or someone was created and somehow I, a bunch of other people, and a lot of other animals got here. I can live with that.

What this means is that I just don’t think about these subjects that much anymore. If I find someone that is fulfilled with their life and points to some type of spirituality or religion as the reason why, I think that is awesome, as long as their actions don’t harm or infringe on other people’s freedom. If someone finds fulfillment with their life and points to something non-spiritual as the reason why, I think that is also awesome, again as long as their actions don’t harm or infringe on other people’s freedom.

I will admit I don’t have that much love for people who make it their life’s work to attack religion and spirituality. I also don’t have much love for people who use their combination of religion and spirituality to impose restrictions and judge people who aren’t where they are. But at the end of the day, I find it much more beneficial and interesting for me to talk about the values I choose to live by and always be learning and adjusting these values based on my interactions and experiences with people, whether spiritual or not, that I have the pleasure of getting to know.

Since I have already used up more space than I like in a blog post, I will outline my current beliefs and values without much description, with the expectation of elaborating more in future posts.

People I talk to generally find my philosophical underpinnings rather boring, which I get – it can be a heavy subject. So, let’s skip right to the important stuff. Put simply, I find meaning in health. I divide health into three tiers:

Tier 1

  • Physical: diet, exercise
  • Mental: meditation, weekly paradigm
  • Career: study, documentation of my involvement in some type of leadership role, community service, shadowing, research, and other education

Tier 2

  • Emotional: long-term goals (MedVoices.net and popular opinion yearly updated dictionary), monthly challenges (planning on getting back to these next month)
  • Relationship: keeping up with family and friends, dating
  • Social: Toastmasters, miscellaneous weekly events
  • Medical: yearly checkups, dental work, pill schedule, occasional massage or other therapy
  • Service: at least a once a month event (looking into joining a group helping the homeless)

Tier 3

  • Societal/Political: Wolf-Pac, voting
  • Environmental: practicing daily conservation in the ways I can

I hope my readers take away something positive from this post. As always, comments are welcome. Peace and love.

A Month of Relative Neatness

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Early last year, I completed a monthly challenge of keeping my surroundings orderly. I learned a lot and did fairly well, but it did not really stick after the month was over. For the next month, my focus is going to be similar, but with a different twist. Instead of trying to keep everything orderly all the time, or following general principles of neatness, I am going to adhere to just a few very specific and easy rules that I hope will stick once the month runs out.

What this means is that I am not aiming for neatness, so much as relative neatness. My surroundings may be in varying degrees of order, so long as I follow these rules.

  1. Any time I enter one of my living spaces (basically bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen area) after not being there for more than a few hours, do 30 seconds of tidying up.
  2. Any time I leave on of my living spaces after being there for more than an hour, do 30 seconds of tidying up.
  3. Move my already scheduled time each day for industry (fancy word for clean up) higher up on my priority list (right below exercise).

These rules are fairly simple and will not make me feel stifled – like I cannot ever leave a book or shirt on the bed. Let us hope that this allows me to more consistently ward off the 2nd law of thermodynamics.

A Month of Punctuality

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Recently, I have noticed a problem I experience and I believe have experienced for some time. That is, I tend to be late to things. Not extremely late mind you, just a minute or two – but late is late. Part of the reason for this is because I hate getting to places too early and then wasting time waiting for the event to start. However, I feel like I am not respecting other people’s time when I show up late to things for whatever reason.

This month the challenge is to always be a minimum of 5 minutes early to everything, which means aiming for 10 minutes early. This is very straightforward and does not really need any explanation. However, I will make a couple comments.

  • Calculate driving times based upon max potential traffic
  • Plan an adequate amount of time to find a parking space and walk to the building
  • With the above two guidelines in mind, leave for an event at the time that will allow me to arrive there ten minutes before it begins (assuming traffic is not horrible and I find a decent parking spot, this means I may be as much as 20 minutes or more early)

The other thing I hope to accomplish this month by working on punctuality is driving the speed limit. I have been pulled over twice in the past month and given one ticket (I will be taking a driver safety course over the next couple of months to remove this from my record).

The new month, according to the moon, began almost a week ago, so this post is late. However, I have already been striving for greater punctuality this past week and will continue to do so for the rest of this month.

180 Days of Polyphasic Sleep

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For the past couple of years, seriously, the quality of my sleep has been poor. I don’t know exactly why, but ever since I had surgery on my intestines in the spring of 2013, it has been harder for me to go to sleep, I find most beds or mattresses annoying or uncomfortable in some way, I wake up frequently, and I rarely feel well rested. I have done extensive experimenting with a monophasic sleep pattern – one in which you get 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at one time. This experimentation has included a variety of pillows and pillow arrangements, sleeping on different surfaces, sleep practice, specifically planned cool-down times before bed, and a reward and penalty system.

I tried out one type of polyphasic sleep pattern a few years ago over the summer and remember liking it. Unfortunately, once the fall semester started, it did not fit well with my schedule so I stopped. I would never recommend someone to adopt this type of sleep schedule for two reasons. First, I believe the consensus among sleep researchers is that it is generally unnatural. Second, it takes a lot of dedication and planning to achieve. However, I figure since my sleep is poor now anyway, and I have the time and energy to devote to this, I am going to give it a whirl.

Perhaps if I like it well enough after the end of this experiment, I will settle permanently on a biphasic sleep cycle, which is easier than a polyphasic, but with some of the same benefits. So, what will my new sleep cycle look like? I have tried it out a little over the past week, and here is my plan:

My core sleep at night will be 4 hours and 30 minutes to 5 hours and 20 minutes. What this means is that I will get in bed 5 hours and 20 minutes before I intend on waking up the next morning and read until I am sleepy but not later than 4 and a half hours before the time. My days will be structured in 6-hour intervals. After the first six hours, I will take a 20-min nap, and then 6 hours later I will take another 20-min nap. That is it. Fairly simple and definitely doable.

With this plan in place, I will still be getting between 5 and 6 hours of sleep every day, which is more than any other polyphasic sleep cycle I have come across, so I don’t feel this is ridiculously extreme. I will try to update you all on my progress every 15 to 30 days. Happy dreams everyone!

Evaluation of my Month of Default Meditation

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The past month and a half have been good. I always meditate 10 minutes a day minimum. I’m still getting used to defaulting to meditation. I think this is great in some cases and not so much in others.

The times I think it is great are when my mind is over-distracted and is trying to think or worry about too many things. In this context, meditation will help quiet my thoughts and when I finish I will be able to focus all my energies on whatever is at the top of my priority list at that point in time.

The times is doesn’t work as well are when I am confused about what my priorities are. While meditation can give me a much needed break from this confusion, it does not solve the problem. For this, I have been trying to more aggressively use totally focused blocks of time. This is a concept I believe I have touched on in a previous post but don’t know where right now so I can’t link to it. I will flesh it out more in an upcoming post.

I am also learning to love meditation for its own sake, not simply as a means to an end. When I first started meditating, I found it incredibly hard to not let my mind wander, but now I am coming to really enjoy these times of calmness.

If you have never meditated before, I highly recommend you to give it a try. Start small and just do it for one or two minutes. If you feel it is useful or beneficial, you can increase the time. It is important to get into an upright seated position that is comfortable and allows you to maintain a straight back. Lotus pose would be ideal, but I am far too inflexible for that. Therefore, I settle with hero pose, which is the perfect position for me. Feel free to experiment.

A Month of Intentional Eye Contact

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Eye contact is something that I have often found uncomfortable. Perhaps this is due to my many past insecurities, which I feel like I have mostly overcome, but which nonetheless have residual effects.

The goal for this month is simple: maximize good eye contact. What this means is as follows:

  • If someone enters the room, space, workstation, or table that I am at, I will seek to make eye contact immediately
  • Initial eye contact will be held for 2-3 seconds
  • When having a one-on-one conversation, make eye contact for 75% of the time
  • If having a group conversation, make eye contact all the time but with different people (75% with the speaker and 25% with the others; divide equally when I am speaking)
  • Linger at least one second whenever making eye contact and at least two seconds when speaking

I  want to principally focus on this topic when giving speeches or presentations for Toastmasters this month as well. If eyes really are the windows of the soul, may I have many wholesome “spiritual” interactions this month.

A New Perspective on “Forgiveness”

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What is forgiveness? According to the American Psychological Association,

Forgiveness is a process (or the result of a process) that involves a change in emotion and attitude regarding an offender. Most scholars view this an intentional and voluntary process, driven by a deliberate decision to forgive.

I’ve tried this process many times when dealing with situations in which others hurt me or I hurt myself. I suppose I have succeeded according to the above definition, because I did undergo a change in emotion and attitude regarding the offender, whether myself or another person. However, what I rarely, if ever, achieved was complete release from the situation. As much as I wanted to or tried, I simply could not erase the consequences the offense generated in my life, whether big or small.

Recently, I have adopted a different strategy. Some may view this new perspective as wishful thinking or cheating, but hey, for me it works beautifully.

Several science fiction movies I have watched recently contain time travel. In some of these, the “same” person was actually a different person (i.e. a person traveled back in time to interact with their former self). These two “people” while linked through consequences, were nonetheless distinct.

How does this relate to forgiveness? Well, suppose someone wronged “you” a year ago. Under this model, they didn’t actually wrong you, they wronged the you that existed (or exists) a year ago. Also, the offender is not the person you know now, but rather their former self that existed a year ago. What this means is that neither the person that committed the offense, nor the one offended even exist now. Forgiveness then is just to realize this and the negative energy and emotions fade away almost magically.

It may sound weird, but I can testify that it is better than any other process of forgiveness I have tried. So, the next time you do something stupid and are beating yourself up over it or someone slights you and you can’t get over the negative feelings you have for them, give this process of forgiveness a whirl and then share with me the results.

A Month (or Two) of Default Meditation

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So I was supposed to start a new monthly challenge last week. For those of you who don’t know or haven’t figured it out yet, I start my monthly challenges based on when the new moon is. This is one small way I try to stay connected with nature.

Therefore, this next challenge will last for close to two months and I believe it is warranted because of its importance. Meditation is something that is practiced by a lot of eastern religions. Although I don’t subscribe to any of these, I understand why this practice holds an important position for them. It has incredible benefits physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally.

I have used meditation in the past couple of years to provide mental clarity, physical stretching, and emotional peace. However, this month I am going to exploit it for psychological purposes in addition to the other benefits. First off, I am defining the mind here as the ability for rational thought and the psyche as the central force from which humans derive meaning and dictate behavior.

I have been trying to keep this blog lighter, so I won’t go into all the philosophical musings I have had of late on this topic. Suffice it to say, from my experience alone, I believe meditation is the most reliable, powerful, and easiest source of focus, inspiration, and drive. Unfortunately, though I try to meditate a little every day, I have severely underused this technique, especially in times of depression, either from physical pain or a perceived failure.

This month (and the next), the challenge is to make meditation the default response to any type of depression, confusion, or anxiety I find myself experiencing. Here are the flawed responses I usually have to these feelings:

  • Deep thinking. This almost never is the right response in the moment. There is never an easy answer to the problem or depression I am facing, so thinking about it more and looking for a solution in this way is usually counterproductive.
  • Sleep. A short nap can be a great thing, and one I advocate for here. However, a short nap can easily turn into a long nap and what ends up is just wasting a bunch of time which just makes me feel even worse about myself.
  • Getting busy. Distracting myself from what is bothering me isn’t always a bad idea. However, if this is all that is done, then when I run out of urgent projects, then I will be sunk. This is not a good position in which to find myself.
  • Talking to someone. Hashing out my feelings to someone is usually a good thing. The only problem with this is that you cannot always do so on demand. Maybe you cannot get a hold of someone at the precise moment you need them or maybe it would not be courteous to them to just dump all your problems on them.

This month, the goal is to not think, sleep, occupy myself with projects, or even talk to someone in those moments of psychological distress. Instead, I will do a meditation session for 5-10 minutes. After this time, the sky is the limit as far as what type of response I will have next. I have great hopes for this experiment and will let everyone know what I learned and what I will incorporate into my lifestyle from now on once I finish the challenge.