I learned four important lessons in my month of no fear in stuttering.

1. Speak while releasing tension. During a lot of situations, my speaking is perfectly normal and even I don’t have a problem with it. However, there are particular times which cause problems. I don’t have much trouble in one-on-one conversations or even that much in large group settings. It is small group bar-type settings with new people that are the worst instigators of the problem. Because of the narrow window in which the problem exists (which is a good thing), I found it very difficult to try to pinpoint the exact types of sounds that I tended to block or stall on. For the present, I think the best course of action is to just consciously focus on releasing tension when I start to speak. Breathing deeply and starting slow are great for this.

2. Say everything I want to say. This was a big part of the challenge for this month and it is incredibly important. Whenever I refrain from speaking because I think I will block on the sound, this increases my fear of stuttering which only worsens the problem. It is always better to face the fear. Many times, when I do, there is no problem at all. However, even when there is, it is still better to go for it and work on correcting whatever problem exists.

3. Don’t delay. This directly corroborates with the last point. The longer I wait to find the perfect way to say something, the more the tension builds which again compounds the problem. By speaking immediately and utilizing tension-reduction techniques, I have my best chance of fluent speech.

4. Don’t shudder after a “failure.” First off, it is better for me to view this as a learning experience rather than a failure. Shuddering or hating myself never accomplishes anything except for making whatever problem I have worse. Assessment is not a bad thing as long as it is not overly critical. However, even assessments can cause problems. Many times, it is better to just breathe and let it go. Look forward to opportunities for future success.

Unfortunately, I did not finish reading the book I purchased because I lost it halfway through the month. However, I think I have already gleaned most of the big-picture principles from it. The nice thing about the four lessons above is that they really can apply to a lot of activities in life. The theme is to consciously release tension, accept the challenge, do it immediately, and be resilient when things don’t turn out as planned. These are good principles for everyone to chew on!

I bought a Philips Norelco Shaver (rotary) to allow me greater ease in shaving my head and it works pretty well. It can be used wet or dry, but has to be cleaned more frequently if used wet.

Now that the month has finished, I am only shaving twice a week instead of three times. I tried doing just once a week, but the hair grew long enough which made it more difficult and time-consuming. Shaving or trimming everything (head, face, beard) twice a week is adequate to keep me looking pretty decent.

I haven’t gotten too much comment on it from my friends, except for the occasional, “nice dome!” Overall, I tend to like it. First off, I no longer have to worry about what my hair looks like (is it buzzed short enough; do I need to add some hair gel, etc.). Second, I no longer have a receding hairline or any weirdness in the back. Third, it’s a new look. I like new things. It will get old after a while, but I’m going to enjoy the freshness of it while I can.

I am still open, however, to growing my hair out again. I would appreciate feedback from family, friends, and readers: good, bad, or otherwise. If I do decide to keep the look for good, I might have to experiment with different beard styles. We’ll see.

I recently purchased a book titled ‘Advice to those who stutter‘. One of the common themes is that the biggest cause of stuttering is the fear of stuttering. This month, while working on a lot of aspects related to stuttering or disfluent speech, I want to especially focus on removing the fear of these speech problems. I have read a little more than half the book, and plan on finishing the rest of it this month by reading a chapter every 1-2 days. However, here are my notes from just the first four chapters which I have condensed into five aspects of the challenge for this month.

1. Definite objectives. There will be three rules I am establishing right off the bat which will continue throughout the month. First, I am setting a daily quota of 3 people to talk with who are different from the norm for each day. This will provide me with the opportunities to work on my speech. Second, I want to not use avoidances (e.g. replacing a word with a different word, not speaking when I want to speak, abbreviating phrases). To help accomplish this, if I realize that I am using an avoidance involuntarily, I will inflict a self-penalty by making myself use the word I avoided 3 times thereafter as soon as I can in the conversation or subsequent conversations. Third, I will maintain eye contact during stuttering blocks. I want to face the situation and build confidence.
2. Replace the fear of stuttering with word analysis and phrasing. This and the subsequent parts of the challenge for this month will be more general in nature. Some ways I will accomplish this point include analyzing my stuttering pattern (lead up, event, and escape) when I do it instead of resisting the stutter or block, plugging my ears and reading aloud to feel the flow of the words, videotaping or recording myself if possible when talking with others and reviewing the media later, and tallying in speaking situations. What I mean by the last statement is to go directly into the block without starters, stutter all the way through without retrial, stop immediately after the stuttered word, and tally the block in a small memo book (write down the word and what happened).
3. Add, vary, and drop. The next step is to isolate either a stuttering pattern or an avoidance technique and dispose of them separately. At this point, I should already have a list of words I stutter on, what happens, and an analysis of the situation. I want to exaggerate the stuttering pattern deliberately, then vary it in some way, and finally stop doing it altogether. This should happen over the course of a few days (first day add, second day vary, third day drop). The second thing I want to do is make a list of avoidances that I am likely to want to use and the contexts in which I do so. Then, I will repeat the above process in getting rid of them.
4. Stutter more easily. From what I have read, stutters don’t usually ever totally go away. However, it is possible to make the stutter more graceful and less noticeable. One way to do this is to start the first spoken word with a very light contact from the articulators and prolong the first sound slightly before continuing on normally. If I find myself stuck in a block, I will consciously release tension (take a slight pause only if needed) and move forward. Also, after stuttering on a word, I will try to find a way to say it again while modifying how I do so and focusing on releasing tension. With all of these strategies, it is critical that I resist time pressure in communication, at least for this month.
5. Fluency. The goal is not just to lessen a speech pathology, but to improve in my overall speech fluency. This includes speech rate, loudness level, inflection, length of phrases, and diction. I want to build flexibility in speaking by varying all of these in different speaking situations. Basically, for the second half of this month (after I have focused specifically on the middle three challenges), I will think about one or more of these fluency factors when in a conversation and have a goal (e.g. varying volume, focusing on proper diction, trying to speak with long phrases or short phrases, etc.) that I strive to fulfill each time.

The few people to which I have mentioned my stuttering problem have mostly responded with surprise, saying they were not even aware of it. This seemed strange to me at first, but after thinking on it, I realized that the main way I deal with my problem is by either avoiding from saying something altogether or else pausing before a hard word and substituting an easier word. So, in trying to get rid of the fear of stuttering, there is one more challenge I am setting for myself that did not really fit into any of the five points above.

One thing pretty much every chapter of the book I have been reading agreed on was to stutter on purpose. This will be the hardest part of this month’s challenge. According to the experts, this is the number one way to reduce the fear of stuttering which is usually one of the contributing factors to the pathology. I will have a brief evaluation at the end of every day this month to see how I am doing with each part of the challenge. Wish me courage!

I have thought and joked with others about shaving my head for the past year. Well, now is the time to try out this experiment. I shaved my head today and took a picture but can’t upload it. I will post it once I figure out how to do so.

I plan on shaving my head three times a week during the next month. Most of the monthly challenges I do knowing that at the end of the month I will stop or significantly change my routine. However, there is a definite possibility that this will stick and I will remain bald-by-choice from now on.

Here are some of the reasons for shaving my head:

• I have been dissatisfied with my hair for quite a while. Whether I wear it longer or shorter, I cannot get myself to like it. Ever since it started balding above the temples, it has just looked corny to me. Also, there are some small abnormalities in the back as well which slightly bug me.
• I feel empowered when I choose my style. My self-image has never been the greatest. However, it usually improves when I put myself in charge of my image instead of just succumbing to what I am used to (even though this might not be the best). So this will be a test. Will I feel more confident or less with my hair shaved off?
• No more haircuts or bad hair days. I have been keeping my hair shorter for the past year or so, but there are still occasions where I forget to get a haircut and then look sloppy.
• It is something new. Really, what more reason do I need than this? I think life is more interesting when I change my looks or routine and experiment with new things. So that is what this is.

I am going back to school next week and am sure I will get plenty of comments. I will update everyone with my thoughts once the month is over.

I have not blogged for a long time. My month of small acts of service which ended over a month ago went okay. I definitely could have done a lot better at taking opportunities to serve others. However, I feel I did a fairly good job of serving some of the people with whom I interacted.

I am taking the MCAT on July 17 so most of my time this summer has been and will be used to study for that. My biggest desire this summer – and also with life in general – is to base my psychology primarily on the present, not the past or the future. I know exactly what I mean by this, but it is not that easy to explain it to others in a few words.

Basing my psychology in the past usually either causes pride or self-loathing, depending on whether I view myself favorably or unfavorably. If I just rocked a test, hit it off with a girl, or had an extremely productive day, this becomes a source of pride if I dwell on it. The reason I don’t think harboring pride is a good idea is twofold. First, it puts me in competition with other people, making me less able to rejoice with them in their successes and vice versa. Second, it grates against my core philosophy of humility: that I could be wrong about everything. When I have a spirit of pride, I tend to become less open-minded and more defensive, and I don’t believe these qualities lead to ultimate consciousness forever.

If I have been feeling lousy, or had an unproductive day, or embarrassed myself in some way, and I base my psychology in the past, this will cause extreme self-loathing. I have been in this position many times, and it is bad. Once in this pit, it is hard to get out, because to do so usually requires a change of psychology which doesn’t happen just because I want it to happen. Also, even when I do conquer it, the lingering traces of the previous psychology remain usually for a good 24 hours.

Basing my psychology on the future has problems as well. First, it is easily damaged if things do not go according to plan. Let’s face it. Sometimes life just gets messed up, on no fault of our own. This future-based psychology is stressful even if everything is currently right on the money, because there is always the worry in the back of the mind that it will all crash. Second, it is often based on inconclusive data. Even if all the odds are in your favor, things can always go south. However, when the basis for a person’s future-based psychology is not even solid, this becomes especially problematic. Also, in my case, even if I know something helps other people’s psychologies, it is nearly impossible for me to base my psychology on it if I feel it has a low percentage of being true.

So, this leaves the present. Basing my psychology on the present has many facets. The main ones are:

• The ability to learn. I can learn from the past without getting consumed by it.
• The wisdom to appreciate cause and effect. I become very cognizant of the effects that are caused by every action I take right now.
• Freedom from guilt. I lose my sense of failure from past mistakes, and am only concerned with doing what I feel is best in the moment I find myself.
• A sense of completeness. I can feel satisfied with myself as I am right now. I still have goals and plans, but I am only basing my sense of well-being off of my current actions – whether they are what I feel lead to ultimate consciounsess or not. And if they don’t, I can make the choice to change them in the blink of an eye and be back on the road to fullness again.
• A sense of oneness. As often as I see myself as an individualist, I just as often feel the desire for unity – with other people, with nature, with everything that is good. Only by basing my psychology in the present can I ever experience the sensation of oneness.

So this month my goal is very simple: I just want to check in with myself each hour. This could be as little as acknowledging the moment, or as much as taking a couple minutes to meditate.

Earlier this year, I studied and thought about how best to achieve what I believe to be the foundation for a positive ethical system, and that is to love your neighbor as yourself. This is a principle that has been taught and espoused by many wise leaders and sages, most notably Jesus/Y’shua. I will break it down here.

• Love = serving with joy. These two components make up what I see as love: service and enthusiasm. This includes all kinds of love. For example, if I said I loved playing the piano, that would mean that I derived great joy and satisfaction from practicing it a lot (“serving” it).
• Your neighbor = anyone whose need you see and are able to meet. I don’t usually initiate finding people to love or block out time to “love” or decide who I will love. Instead, I live my life and seek to fulfill my goals, all the while looking for opportunities to show love and discern people’s specific needs that I can help meet.
• As yourself = the way you love yourself by default. C.S. Lewis said it best, “When I look into my own mind, I find that I do not love myself by thinking myself a dear old chap or having affectionate feelings. I do not think that I love myself because I am particularly good, but just because I am myself and quite apart from my character. I might detest something which I have done. Nevertheless, I do not cease to love myself… You dislike what you have done, but you don’t cease to love yourself. You may even think that you ought to be hanged. You may even think that you ought to go to the Police and own up and be hanged. Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

I want to put this concept at the forefront this month. I am not planning any service projects or specific ways of loving others. I simply want to live consciously and always be aware of those opportunities to wholeheartedly perform small acts of service. This could include writing a note of gratefulness, listening to a friend, cleaning up for someone else, or helping someone with their responsibilities.

Really, I want this to my attitude all the time. Hopefully this month will kindle a loving spirit in me that never dies out or fades.

This past month was very good for me and I believe I did a fair job of noticing when I was holding tension in my body and then releasing it. I tried to not worry about proper alignment and instead just made sure my abs were slightly engaged as the norm. Here are some other things I learned:

• Life is more enjoyable. When I consciously release tension in various parts of my body, I realize that I am not helping myself in any way by allowing stress to affect me. I will function better and more productively when I let this go and just immerse myself fully in the activity of the now.
• I usually retain stress in my body that is unneeded. Because I was focusing on physical stress, I noticed just how much and how often stress built up in various parts of my body. This will definitely be an ongoing process as I seek to rid myself of this unconsciously generated tension.
• Deep breathing is critical. If nothing else, just focusing on breath is the best cure to knowing your body. Your breath will tell you exactly what muscles to relax.

Freeing myself of unnecessary physical stress is a worthy endeavor. It will increase happiness, decrease health problems, and help me connect better with the Source.

I’m a firm believer in “act like you control your destiny and realize you don’t.” What this means is that I don’t leave things up to fate or just hope they will work out; I am proactive in making sure they do work out in the way I intend. However, I always try to remember that ultimately I don’t have full control of my life. I might study as hard and as long as I know how and still get a B in a class. I might prepare myself thoroughly for taking the MCAT and then wake up the morning of the test with a horrible headache and bomb it. I might feel I have bulletproof logic in some theological or political position but later discover that I was dead wrong.

So, I don’t want to throw up my hands and just excuse myself as I have seen many do when they fail an exam, don’t get a job, or lose a relationship. The teacher sucks, it just wasn’t meant to be, the society owes me. These are all poor excuses which do not accomplish anything except to fortify lazy attitudes. Instead, I want to learn from my mistakes and expect good things. But I want to always live in the moment, not regretting the past or worrying about the future. I cannot control either of these realms.

This month, I want to focus on extinguishing worries. Any worries. To do this, I will focus on the following:

• Commit to one meditation session every day. For my last focus, I said I would try to do this, but I didn’t. So this month, I am going to commit to at least one 10-min session every day.
• Always bring thoughts back to the present. This doesn’t mean I cannot ever think deeply about things or plan things in the future, but these should be short and for a specific reason.
• Make use of timed distractions. If my back is really hurting or my brain is tired, I will take a break: make some tea, take a shower, do some stretches, or get outside. I just want to make it timed and intentional. I think intentional distractions, as paradoxical as they sound, might be one of the best cures for worry.
• Think of others. This is always a good antidote for worry. When I start to feel worry creeping into my mind, I will send up a prayer for someone else.

Now is all I ever have or will have. Why should I waste it worrying about something I cannot control. I want to make decisions intelligently but with confidence. Whatever happens, whether good or bad, will give me an opportunity to grow in consciousness. This is the way to view life.

I think my media fast the past month was fairly successful, except that my fetish for checking email was not curbed. Here are the highlights:

• Fewer distractions cluttering up the mind. Since I was not watching or reading any news or listening to any other miscellaneous information, my thoughts were much more focused in general and I believe my productivity increased.
• I paused for a split-second before checking email. Even though early on I decided to forego the one-a-day check, I still tried to always look at my email for a better reason than just because I was succumbing to distraction. Even though this wasn’t drastic, it was something I could manage and did save me some time.
• Specific internet searches only. If I got onto the internet to look something up, I tried to make sure I stayed focused on what I was doing and did not migrate into other areas. This usually ended up in me finding better answers to my queries and finding them more quickly.
• Defaulting to a conscious activity rather than distraction. When stressed, either because my back was hurting or I felt overwhelmed with studies, I tried to meditate, make some tea, stretch, take a cold shower, or do something that would benefit me and allow me to move forward, rather than defaulting to dumb videos, random news, or emotional music.

One thing I need to avoid is regressing after I complete a monthly challenge. For example, when I finished my media fast, the first thing I did was to watch some short youtube videos. Now this would be all well and good if I was doing so for a good reason. But I wasn’t; it was pure distraction. Just because the focus is over does not mean I want to forget what I have learned. I cannot expect a miniature version of the focus to magically imprint itself on to my psychology.

I really enjoyed not getting any news for a month. I am trying to think of a good way to stay afloat of the major things that are happening in the world without wasting a lot of time or mental clarity. If any of my readers have suggestions on how to accomplish this, please post them below.

I have realized that I hold a lot of tension in my body that I am able to release when I think about it. This comes primarily from two sources. First, I am always vigilant about maintaining proper alignment, but I often try to overcompensate and end up sending my muscles into spasms. My back is something that I am more comfortable with now, but still have major psychological problems with which are compounded when there is physical pain.

Second, despite broadening my personality and temperament, to the point that one of my friends said I never stop talking, I still am deeply introverted on the inside. Although I don’t let this stop me from pursuing anything in life, I definitely retain a lot of physical tension when doing things that challenge my introvert inside.

This month I want to focus on being aware of physical tension or stress that I am retaining, and then just letting it go. Here are the main areas I want to focus on:

• Upper back. This is an area that I am constantly engaging muscles in to retain the best alignment I can despite my back conditions. While I don’t want to just be lazy about posture, I do want to be subtle about it. I will still engage traps and abs most of the time, but just slightly and will always release if I feel tension building up.
• Hands and arms. This might be in large part due to holding tension in my upper back, but I often find myself chopping things for dinner, or doing other simple tasks and being more tense than is necessary in my wrists and arms.
• Legs. My hamstrings are already super tight by default, and I don’t need to add to that by retaining tension in them. I’ll often find myself walking or sitting and holding tension in my legs that can easily be released.

Other than being aware of physical stress and releasing it, I want to give every effort to meditate for 10 minutes each day. This is a great practice for getting out of distracted thought patterns and working on deep breathing, both of which are integral in minimizing physical stress.

I am also going to try making yoga my daily exercise routine instead of my normal nerve flossing, stretching, and series of exercises and see if this helps at all.

Up next: evaluation of my month of no media.