I have not blogged for a long time. My month of small acts of service which ended over a month ago went okay. I definitely could have done a lot better at taking opportunities to serve others. However, I feel I did a fairly good job of serving some of the people with whom I interacted.

I am taking the MCAT on July 17 so most of my time this summer has been and will be used to study for that. My biggest desire this summer – and also with life in general – is to base my psychology primarily on the present, not the past or the future. I know exactly what I mean by this, but it is not that easy to explain it to others in a few words.

Basing my psychology in the past usually either causes pride or self-loathing, depending on whether I view myself favorably or unfavorably. If I just rocked a test, hit it off with a girl, or had an extremely productive day, this becomes a source of pride if I dwell on it. The reason I don’t think harboring pride is a good idea is twofold. First, it puts me in competition with other people, making me less able to rejoice with them in their successes and vice versa. Second, it grates against my core philosophy of humility: that I could be wrong about everything. When I have a spirit of pride, I tend to become less open-minded and more defensive, and I don’t believe these qualities lead to ultimate consciousness forever.

If I have been feeling lousy, or had an unproductive day, or embarrassed myself in some way, and I base my psychology in the past, this will cause extreme self-loathing. I have been in this position many times, and it is bad. Once in this pit, it is hard to get out, because to do so usually requires a change of psychology which doesn’t happen just because I want it to happen. Also, even when I do conquer it, the lingering traces of the previous psychology remain usually for a good 24 hours.

Basing my psychology on the future has problems as well. First, it is easily damaged if things do not go according to plan. Let’s face it. Sometimes life just gets messed up, on no fault of our own. This future-based psychology is stressful even if everything is currently right on the money, because there is always the worry in the back of the mind that it will all crash. Second, it is often based on inconclusive data. Even if all the odds are in your favor, things can always go south. However, when the basis for a person’s future-based psychology is not even solid, this becomes especially problematic. Also, in my case, even if I know something helps other people’s psychologies, it is nearly impossible for me to base my psychology on it if I feel it has a low percentage of being true.

So, this leaves the present. Basing my psychology on the present has many facets. The main ones are:

• The ability to learn. I can learn from the past without getting consumed by it.
• The wisdom to appreciate cause and effect. I become very cognizant of the effects that are caused by every action I take right now.
• Freedom from guilt. I lose my sense of failure from past mistakes, and am only concerned with doing what I feel is best in the moment I find myself.
• A sense of completeness. I can feel satisfied with myself as I am right now. I still have goals and plans, but I am only basing my sense of well-being off of my current actions – whether they are what I feel lead to ultimate consciounsess or not. And if they don’t, I can make the choice to change them in the blink of an eye and be back on the road to fullness again.
• A sense of oneness. As often as I see myself as an individualist, I just as often feel the desire for unity – with other people, with nature, with everything that is good. Only by basing my psychology in the present can I ever experience the sensation of oneness.

So this month my goal is very simple: I just want to check in with myself each hour. This could be as little as acknowledging the moment, or as much as taking a couple minutes to meditate.