It has been ages since I posted. Toward the end of September, I fell into major depression again. Why that happened is not the purpose of this entry. One thing I will say about my experience with depressive states is that even though their incidence hasn’t decreased all that much since a few years ago when it was REALLY bad, their duration and my utter confusion in the midst of them has declined significantly. I sometimes tell people that I have become skilled at navigating these states more gracefully, and maybe that has to be enough, at least at this point.

A new year is already upon us in earnest! My new year actually started on January 12th and not on the 1st. Read an earlier post on my calendar here. Anyone who knows me well knows that over the past 5 years, I have struggled immensely with chronic pain and depression. In 2020, I dropped out of med school after experiencing two successive mental breakdowns.

Since that time, simply navigating daily life has often been a challenge. I still suffer from chronic pain which wasn’t helped a couple years ago by my major bike accident which basically tore off my left calf muscle. I still suffer from drop foot to this day. On top of that, I have been plagued with major identity crises and a general dissatisfaction with life.

One of the tools I have tried to use on and off in dealing with depression and shame is gratitude. I even did a monthly challenge on it a few years ago. I experienced more restful sleep and sustained a more positive attitude throughout the month – seemingly a great success! However, since getting off the challenge, I have hit some major roadblocks being grateful on a regular basis.

• Guilt/resentment – I have felt envious of friends or family that expressed thanks over something in their life which I lacked and didn’t want to be the cause of this for someone else. Also, if the blessing I was expressing gratitude for was not something universally available, I felt a bit elitist acknowledging it (almost like I was saying, “I’m glad I’m not them”).
• Fear of complacency – Sometimes I felt like being grateful for something implied a level of acceptance with the status quo that I internally rebelled against. “I’m grateful I have a job,” felt like settling for less than my potential.
• Lack of a “good” reason – By far, this was the biggest hang-up. I viewed gratitude as a response to something “good” in life. However, sometimes life just sucked! In fact, I found this to be the rule more than the exception. Then I would have this guilt attack:
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  “REALLY! You can’t think of ONE thing to be thankful for?”
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  I could, but that didn’t feel like genuine gratitude and came without the positive benefits I had experienced previously.

My intention this year is to choose gratitude. The wording of this combats the last of the roadblocks mentioned above. I choose to view gratitude as an intention and not a response. I don’t have to wait for something “good” to happen; I can choose gratitude when life is just neutral or even really sucky!

How do I accomplish this? Well, there is the shallow explanation and the deep explanation. Let’s start with the surface-level. I choose to view everything in life as either a blessing or a challenge. If a blessing, recognize the uniqueness of my life and experience and embrace the experience with gratitude without getting attached to it. If a challenge, acknowledge that all major growth and development occurs by overcoming challenges and be grateful for the opportunity to build resilience and character.

Now, this is all fine and dandy, and is simple enough you might see similar sentiments written on an inspirational card or in an affirmation deck. However, there comes a point of stress/pain/shame beyond which I find it impossible to keep up this “challenge mindset.” My chronic pain having a huge flare-up is a good example. I can manage it and it will subside some, but it will never go away. It doesn’t feel like a “challenge;” it is just a burden.

There is only so far this surface rationale for gratitude can take me. To go farther, I have to swim into the deep waters. These deep waters should not be trod in lightly, so I will save my extensive thoughts on these for a follow-up post. For now, just know that it involves adopting 2 empowering beliefs:

1. Nothing is lost in the universe. Everyone generally accepts this when it comes to matter and energy. As a science teacher, one of the biggest concepts I hope my students walk away with is that both matter and energy can be changed, altered, and transformed; but never created or destroyed. The empowering belief I adopt extends this principle to consciousness as well. I realize this is not a minor assumption – whole schools of philosophy are built around arguing this point, so I will reserve my exposition for later.
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2. We reap what we sow. Again, everyone generally accepts this on a physical level: you are kind to someone, they are more likely to be kind to you in return. You work out, you are more likely to have greater fitness. The empowering belief I adopt extends this principle to the ongoing consciousness stream that is eternal (per the above assumption). How our current intentions and actions affect the flow of consciousness both in our current existence and beyond is what I call ‘karma.’ Again, a huge topic which I promise to address more formally.

The key thread that gives these beliefs their real power is that greater karma is directly linked with greater difficulty. Live consciously when it is “easy,” get a little bit of positive karma. Live consciously when it is “hard,” get a lot of positive karma.

Viewed in this way, everything truly becomes something I not only can be grateful for, but WANT to be grateful for! As with all good ideas however, experience is the real test. My intention this year is to fully embrace this mindset and then observe the results.

Namaste.