Regret is a natural human emotion that gets triggered once we realize that we goofed up, whether consciously or inadvertently. It serves an important purpose, which is to signal us that we are not on the right path and that something needs to change. In this respect, regret is a great tool for learning from our mistakes and failures.
However, regret should only be momentary. Once we process the feeling of regret and start to change our behavior or lifestyle as a result, regret should be banished, as it no longer serves any useful purpose. It is at this point that regret turns from being an asset to being a liability, and should be avoided at all costs.
Unfortunately, I and I am sure many others tend to let feelings of regret linger.
- I wish I had studied more.
- I should have used my time more productively.
- I’m sorry I lost my temper.
- If only I hadn’t blown away that money…
The present is the only moment we ever inhabit. When we give in to regret, we are refusing to acknowledge reality and missing the joys that can accompany each breath. We will probably later regret that we spent time regretting and on the cycle goes.
So here are a few things that can be done to let the regret go, whether it was caused by something as simple as oversleeping or as serious as losing a marriage or career.
- Realize that ongoing regret accomplishes nothing. Sometimes I think we believe that by mourning over our failures that will in some way atone for them. Well, it won’t. They are what they are. All regret does is compound the problem.
- Realize that ongoing regret is counter-productive. We are doing the very thing we regret. When bothered by our past, we are not using our time productively, building good relationships, or developing ourselves. This only perpetuates our failures and our regrets.
- Focus on the present moment. This almost sounds banal to suggest, but it really works. Regret cannot exist in the present; it only inhabits thoughts of the past and worries of how our past actions will affect the future. Try meditating for five minutes and see what that does to your perspective.
- Start working. Get busy living your life. Discover what is important to you and pursue it wholeheartedly. Start a job, live out a passion, build a relationship. It is never too late to embark on the journey of personal development.
- Stop comparing yourself with others. Regret gets its fuel by looking at those we think are better off than us and telling us that we would have been like them if… Stop that! Don’t live to beat someone else in the art of living. Just start painting the picture of your own life and enjoy the process. Forget about the destination.
Hopefully these solutions will help you live the life you have right now to the fullest. Happy traveling.
You might add to the list “redeem the mistake.” A bad choice could have left you with a permanent stamp on reality (i.e. drunk driving leading to a wreck and disability) that makes it difficult to put the mistake behind you. Is there a way you can incorporate the very difficulty in a way that gives new purpose.
If a mistake you made negatively affects someone else, then I definitely think you have an obligation to do what you can to make up for it. However, I don’t believe mistakes can really be “redeemed.” Are there times when there will be a silver lining that allows you to draw some positive purpose from a mistake? Maybe and maybe not. My point is that instead of always searching for this silver lining, just let the past be the past and focus on living fully in the present. I am not saying this is an easy thing to do, and I think it helps if we are cultivating this mindset in the smaller failings of life so we are better prepared to deal with the larger upsets.
“Stop comparing yourself with others” reminded me of an article I read once about how we often compare the reality of our lives with the compressed highlights of others’: https://signalvnoise.com/posts/3813-the-curse-of-compressing-reality
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~ Steven Patrick
I agree with your article and this quote. However, I think something even more fundamental is at stake here. Whenever I am comparing myself with others, I am missing out on fully experiencing the present. This is true whether my comparisons put me in a positive or negative light. The present is the only time I ever have. As I have said before, there is a fine line between consciously planning for the future in the present and living in the future.